Different faces of treason
She gave (and gives) food for composing great novels, piercing poems and sad blues. It seems we know everything about her. But every time when one of us becomes a victim of treason, we experience it as a global catastrophe. Or the end of the world. After all, there is a feeling that the life of a small universe is collapsing - the family ... However, perhaps it is worth changing our point of view on adultery and thereby breathing new, second life into your marriage?
“The betrayal of her husband helped us save the family. It sounds paradoxical, but you cannot say otherwise. We met at the institute. A year later, Glory made me an offer. I did not give up the prospect of marrying my beloved man. I really wanted to give birth to a daughter and a son from him. As planned, so it happened. But my scenario about a happy family life was limited to the first chapter, “Birth of Children”. Further the storyline was blurred and fuzzy. How to maintain a relationship with her husband when it seems that his whole life is devoted to caring for children? They were sick, and we were knocked down in search of specialists to cure them.
In general, I missed the moment when my husband was on the sidelines of our family life. We spent less and less time together, and if we were physically in the same room, we discussed our children, their school grades, and the organization of joint trips abroad. Sex has become routine and boring.
I fenced off my husband with the problems of children. For Glory, at that moment I did not find any strength, no warmth, no love ... It seemed to me that everything was in order with us. After all, children are undoubtedly the most important. But at one point it suddenly became clear that this was not so ...
I found out about my husband’s infidelity by chance. That day, Glory later than usual came from work. He left his cell phone on the kitchen table. And left the room. Then his cell phone vibrated, and a photograph of a spectacular blonde appeared on the screen. “Why did some Svetlana decide to call my husband at such a late hour?” I asked myself a question. When Slava returned to the kitchen, I redirected him to my wife ...
The husband admitted that he had an external connection. But he never thought about leaving the family, because we are more important than that woman ...
At the first moment I did not know what to do, where to run, what to grab. This message from my husband knocked the soil out from under my feet. I suffered, did not find a place for me, at times tears flowed uncontrollably from my eyes.
But at some point, I realized that the position of the victim that I took was unconstructive. And further exacerbates our discord. It was as if my eyes opened and it came to the realization that for all the years of my life together I devoted too little time to my husband, considering my wife’s mission accomplished after the birth of the children. Then we had scandals, a stormy showdown, long conversations. And in them we tried to find the spark from which many years ago we managed to fan the flames in our relations. It seems we succeeded. Now that the children are older, we have more time to spend it together than I always try to use ... "
/ Ksenia, 39 years old /
Love: expiration date
This feeling is given to us in order to raise offspring, put him on his feet. It is easier for two parents to raise a child than one. AND? nature has foreseen this. From the point of view of biochemistry, love lasts on average up to four years. Just at this moment, the child no longer requires as much attention and care as in the first days after his birth. And, if during the years of living together the partners did not have a strong emotional attachment to each other, then his father can set off in search of romantic adventures.
Why do people cheat?
We do not say: "He / she cheated on a lover / lover." This means that adultery only happens with partners who are in a stable long-term pair relationship with each other. That is, treason in a sense is a consequence of those processes that develop between spouses. Indeed, if there is a connection on the side, the alter does not leave the family. Something important, really meaningful holds in him (in the family).
What makes us change our loved ones?
Fidelity and readiness for betrayal were embedded in us in the process of evolutionary development. Over many millennia, a person has developed two behavioral strategies with representatives of the opposite sex. One is aimed at creating a stable constant pair. We are aimed at long-term romantic love with the formation of a family and the birth of offspring. “This is an innate motivation that is observed in both men and women,” explains anthropologist Elena Gorokhovskaya. “This is a norm that may have deviations caused by psychological trauma.”
Preserving fidelity is fixed in our body biochemically. Scientists have found that the hormone oxytocin in women is responsible for affection for their children and spouse. And vasopressin in men is for building relationships with women.
Another strategy is infidelity. “It is beneficial for a male to seduce other people's wives and leave illegitimate children,” writes biologist and paleontologist Alexander Markov in the article "Why do we need love." “Well, for females - to cheat on their caring husbands with skillful seducers of other women’s wives, because their sons will inherit the abilities of their fathers, they will successfully seduce other women’s wives, and the female will have more grandchildren. But how does one (adultery) fit in with another (hormonally reinforced loyalty)?
Hopelessness in marriage
The cause of marital infidelity in many cases is dissatisfaction in family life.
Often the cause of many betrayals becomes ... hopelessness. “Treason is a short-lived harmony, taken in brackets, behind which all life seems contradictory and not so happy,” believes psychotherapist Vladimir Sukiasyan. “A feeling of helplessness and hopelessness can push the adultery.” A man who is unable to change the situation in his family compromises with himself. He is trying to get into the relationship that he builds out of wedlock, something that for some reason he is deprived of in his everyday life. Acceptance, tenderness, attention, arousal ... Adultery for him is a way to restore harmony in not so happy circumstances. Let for a short period.
“Monogamy is a universal cross-cultural norm,” says anthropologist Elena Gorokhovskaya. - Another thing is that a person can change marriage partners throughout his life, remaining faithful to each of them. This relationship format is called serial monogamy. In other words, the couple, having lived a number of years together, decided to leave. The reason - the marriage has exhausted itself. After a divorce, each of them can create another pair and remain faithful to the new partner. ” Situations That May Cause Treason
Lost opportunity to be together
There are several trap situations we can fall into and become a victim of adultery. They are described by the psychotherapist Vladimir Sukiasyan:
1 | Pregnancy wife
If the partners were brought together only by sexual relations, they became their main joint experience, then in these circumstances the onset of pregnancy, and therefore, in some cases, the inability of them (sexual relations) to continue can provoke a man to commit adultery.
Way out? Try to reach a new level of relations, strive to ensure that between spouses there is an emotional intimacy that could protect them from adultery in the future.
2 | Children's problems overshadow spouses
The wife pays more attention to children, she tries to become too good a mother for them. And fenced off from contacts with her husband and intimacy with him. And the husband in this situation feels inappropriate - the wife is busy with children, she is not up to him. He silently accepts this situation, not trying to change it. And ... cheating on his wife, getting on the side of what he lacks in the family. Realizing that his wife and children are dear to him. So both partners cut off the ability to correct earlier mistakes.
Way out? Try to look at yourself and your partner from the side. Find common ground, find out the relationship. If you are sure that your couple has a resource for further development, do not give up, act.
3 | A sudden increase in the well-being of one of the partners
A sharp increase in salaries can also provoke adultery. Such a person may have the illusion of omnipotence and omnipotence. He will pay off from the family, gradually moving away from his spouse (a) and children. In such a situation, treason is inevitable.
Way out? Serious conversation and showdown.
4 | The spouse has something more important than family
Reason This is known before the couple formalizes the relationship. Often a man warns: "My friends are everything to me." If for him hobby, work are more important than family, children and partner, then loyalty is not to be expected from him.
Way out? Do not associate your life with such a person. The chance that he will outgrow this situation, of course, remains. But then you need to be patient.
How to react to treason?
A push for relationship development
There is a positive moment in treason that can be used to save the family.
“If one of the spouses cheats (and it doesn’t matter if this is known or not), he gives realization to his attraction, becomes more active, emotional and, as a result, more attractive,” says psychotherapist Vladimir Sukiasyan. “The second partner has some feelings about this, for example, jealousy, which can lead to resentment or the desire to change something in this situation.”
The spouse, who was cheated, in some cases is trying to figure out what went wrong in their relationship, at what point they went wrong. He begins to see the situation more voluminously, realizes that he himself became an accomplice in this process of separation in their pair. And often begins to fight for them (relationships). In such circumstances, a frank conversation and even conflict are possible. But as a result, partners can see what is happening between them, more real, get closer and save their marriage.
Psychologist Elena Novoselova: “According to statistics, some men aged 38 to 45 years experience a difficult period of life. Inevitable signs of age, such as the extinction of potency, are perceived by them as a reminder of the approach of death. At this moment, a female figure appears on the horizon, the role of which is to excite our hero to new achievements, to make him forget about his sorrows.
At the first stage of the relationship, the man does not plan a long romantic story. For him, this is meaningless sex, requiring the manifestation of imagination in courting a lady, material investments, time and effort. And then the faithful husband, carried away by the process of seducing a beautiful woman, begins to feel responsibility for her. Moreover, he has a family, children and he did not plan to get a divorce ...
As a rule, such relationships last from one and a half to two years. If the wife managed to behave wisely, the family is saved. A man, instead of finding other, new meanings, solves new requests with old methods. In the old days, men used to go to brothels to realize their sexuality. Half-naked nymphs who met a man in expensive brothels knew how to increase male self-esteem. ”